Hope

Although as a writer, I'm not supposed to apologize for my work, I have reread this and I hate the tone. I sound (and perhaps am in this moment) very bitter and defeated. I considered not posting it because I know I'll feel better later, and that I am very happy about my healthy pregnancy, but I thought that if I'm documenting these last 2 months that I should document everything, including the ugly side.

It's interesting how quickly our perspectives can change. With all of the contractions, how big my belly is, and the fact that 2 weeks ago I was beginning to dilate, most people were predicting that I would not make it 2 weeks. My aunt was nervously almost certain that I wouldn't. I began two weeks ago hoping that I would continue this pregnancy longer. Then... everything froze. No more dilation. No different contractions. I was so let down at my last doctor's appointment that I was brought to tears. Apparently Jude would like to stay longer then anyone predicted.

I am in the middle of my 37th week of pregnancy, which means I am considered full term. My stomach is 44 inches around, and I constantly get the comment, "I was never that big during my pregnancies!" I have gotten to the point that I am physically miserable. Simple activities such as walking, showering, or even standing up take immense amounts of energy. When I wake up (5 or 6 times) during the night to empty my bladder, rolling over, putting my weight slowly on one foot, then the other, then bracing myself as I stand up, straighten my back, and freeze, hoping that I continue to stay on my feet takes up so much energy that in the morning, I force myself to get out of bed and never feel rested. My knees are now in the habit of locking up because they are so water logged. (Twice the size that they used to be.) Despite me swimming, elevating my feet, taking it easy, and drinking about a gallon and a half of water a day, I am still incredibly swollen. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as I've begun to inadvertently think of it) the only danger of swelling is high blood pressure, and my blood pressure is fine and dandy. So, no need for induction.

In fact, despite my numerous and extensive complaints, I am still having a very healthy pregnancy. Jude still moves as if he has room. (My bruised ribs want to make sure that you know that he doesn't.) Torn stomach muscle from the pressure? No big deal as long as it's not a hernia. Swelling so bad that I am not only a memory foam mattress, but my joints refuse to work correctly? Bah, who cares as long as my blood pressure is fine! All day cramping? I should be excited, it's a sign of labor coming soon! (And been happening constantly for over a week *rolls eyes*.) Painful contractions? Keep track of them, and when they're 5 minutes a part, that means labor. Hands and arms fall asleep randomly in the day time and constantly at night? That baby must be sitting on a nerve! Hips popping in and out of place? Well, of course they have to move out so there is enough room to come out! Clumsiness and general exhaustion so bad that I've fallen numerous times in the last week or so? As long as there is no vaginal bleeding or low fetal movements afterward, everything is fine and dandy! Heartburn and daily nausea during late 3rd trimester? Don't worry, that won't hurt the baby at all.

Great. Glad I'm having such a healthy pregnancy.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I'm taking every physical and emotional complaint that I have and I'm going to beg for an induction soon. I'm not going to lie or fake any symptoms or problems. I am going to let her know that I am never not in pain and have become a useless lump of pregnant lard. I am also praying hard right now. I am praying my little heart out that I have continued to dilate. 1 cm sounded so amazing 2 weeks ago, but after the let down last week and how much life inexplicably sucks, 1 cm dilation has become a cruel joke.

Hope that I'm closer to labor. Hope that I'm dilating. Hope that she'll understand and agree that induction is a good idea. Hope that I can continue to do this if my other hopes crash because the last few days have left me without any optimism.