This is what you get when you have sex, kids.

I always wondered how new moms went from getting a full night sleep to BAM BABY and having to wake up all the time to change diapers, feed, and just hold the crying baby. Such a change is a shock on the body, and I wondered how anyone did it at all.

Ah. They don't go from a full night sleep to no sleep at all! There is a gradual process in the pregnancy that you get less and less and less sleep. For me, it was insomnia in the first trimester. I just couldn't sleep because my brain and emotions wouldn't turn off. In the second semester, it was actually much easier. In fact, I think it's the second semester that must hook women into this whole pregnancy thing because the first is emotional roller coaster as you try to get used to the idea that a baby is going to pop out of your vagina, and the third?? Well the third..

The third trimester is hell. The baby is so large that your insides are bruised, your stomach is the size of someone with new gastric bypass surgery, you have so much heartburn that you now have favorite flavors of Tums (the strawberry and orange are really quite nice. Like candy!), your hips bones are being pushed apart until they feel like they're going to pop like a wishbone, and sleep is now a thing of the past!

In the third trimester, there is one position that you may sleep; On your side. Your shoulders will complain, as will your aching hips, but your back, spine, and stomach will allow no other position. If you are able to get to sleep despite the hormones and emotions that remind you that you, despite your best efforts, are not ready for an infant, despite the heartburn, the back pain, the hip pain, and the general itchiness of your entire body (Did I mention that? Yeah. You'll want to scratch your skin off), then you shall be woken up several times a night.

Obviously, you will be woken up by all of the above. Just because you find a decent moment to fall asleep doesn't mean that they will let you stay asleep. Oh no! I have woken up with the sudden thought that I don't know how to take care of a newly circumcised penis. I wake up about 3-4 times a night to pee. I wake up because I'm thirsty. I wake up because my baby just kicked the crap out of my rip and I'm wondering if it's bruised. Sometimes I wake up because the heartburn has made me switch positions so my lower back has completely seized up and I can't turn over because my hip won't get back into place. Yeah. Super!

And then there are the surprises. (Perhaps not a surprise now that it happens every 20 minutes or so, but they used to surprise me. That counts, right?) The contractions. Yes, ladies who have yet to experience the joy of pregnancy, contractions are not just a part of labor! Contractions are a part of every day (and night) life. These are considered Braxton Hicks contractions, or practice contractions. Getting your body ready for labor includes making those uterus muscles work! (You will be able to tell that these are not actual, labor contractions because they are not regular and they go back and forth in intensity.) So about 15-20 times a night I get woken up (normally just slightly) by a contraction.

Don't worry though, even if you do find yourself in this pregnancy predicament, there are plenty of ways to ease the unease. I keep Tums by my bed, I full on body hug my body pregnancy pillow and tell myself that I like it, and every time I have a contraction bad enough that it hurts too much to just go back to sleep, I take that as an opportunity to pee. Works like a charm. ;)


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