Exhaustion.

Motherhood has already taught me so much about myself and about what love can be. There is nothing like doing something and hearing your child's first giggle. Each new development and each time you comfort them with just your arms gives you something that you can't experience in any other way.

I say that because this will not be a happy blog entry. This is the other side of motherhood. The complaints that you're not supposed to voice, the struggles I'm having to deal with. It can't take away from the joy, but it does take a toll.

First of all, sleep deprivation. Although it is better because he's sleeping a bit longer than he used to, it is still there. I am never not tired. Each time that I am awakened, it is a struggle to get out of bed. Each morning, only the fact that Jude will not go back to sleep do I get up. Because I am so desperate for sleep, I have a hard time falling asleep because I'm anxious about when I'll be woken up next.

There is so much stress with this. I'm trying to do so much all at once and I keep missing things. Forgetting details that I need to remember. Because of my mistakes, Jude is not covered by health insurance at the moment. It's only been since the first, and today was the day that I was going to remedy that, but about 3 mistakes later, I couldn't.

I forgot to call my own doctor. I misjudged the time and didn't go get Jude's passport. I didn't get to the notary because I forgot. All of these things that I promised myself and Scott I would do today... nada.

Jude is not always a happy baby. In fact, most of the time he is in a bad mood. Just simply not content. The small, complaining cry that he does wears me down. He can be clean, dry, fed, burped, and held and still complain. Also, he's started fighting when he's tired, so he doesn't go to sleep when he should and then he is too tired to relax and go to sleep. Unless you're a mom, you cannot imagine the immediate irritation that comes when a sleeping baby suddenly opens their eyes and cries.

Put the stress, failures, and lack of real sleep together and you get overall exhaustion. I know I'll get through it, but when I'm tired, remembering all the things that didn't get done and rocking my crying baby who has nothing to cry about... it wears a person down.

I'm worn out.