Great Expectations

There is a nest in my back yard. I'm not sure what type of bird as I am normally not a fan of birds in the slightest, but they made their nest in full visibility and I have watched the babies hatch, grow, cry for food, and today, take flight. Right now the parent birds are having a fit as one of their babies is refusing to try again, and is perched above the door. They are flying around him, chirping and showing him how easy it is to fly. The other baby is watching anxiously from the nest, sometimes beating his wings, but hasn't quite taken off yet. Oh wait, the baby bird above the doorway just took off! He's brave.

I got mad at my mom the other day on the phone. I was ranting about how everything feels out of control and she said (about my husband getting leave), "I know that it will work out. You just have to have positive thoughts, and it will work out." A lovely sentiment for sure, but I think that she forgot when she said this just how many times I have tried this and had it fail.

I had positive thoughts that we would get stationed in the United States. Couldn't believe for a second that he would pull out Italy for a first duty station. That went out the window. Then I knew that I would be able to move to Italy before Jude was born. I had no doubts, until I found out how long it takes to get an Italian visa. But of course, we could get him here for the birth. No problem. Right? Wrong. Unless I'm in labor for a couple days, if he gets leave, he will get here after the birth, as he has to wait until I'm in labor to apply.

Even hoping for the best and expecting the worst seems like too much for me. For instance, I found out some more cheery news last night. At the time that my aunt and uncle will be busy taking an instructor course for Krav Maga, my husband will be in Germany. Last time he was in Germany, he was practically unreachable the entire time. So the scenario of me going into labor while they are extremely busy and when I can't call my husband is going through my mind. Great.

And let me tell you, signs that labor is coming are all there! I'm having contractions (braxton hicks) all the time. Jude dropped partially yesterday. Not completely, which my hips are thankful for, but my stomach is lower and I can take a deeper breath. My actual due date is about a month away. With all of the uncertainties of when I will go into labor and who will be there and who I can call and how the labor will go and when my husband will get here.. I'm feeling a bit like I'm on a train that's about to crash and I can't get off.

As I have been reminding myself though, this isn't about the pregnancy. It's not about my comfort or how the labor will go and who will be there. This isn't even about my husband or me. This is about Jude, and he will be in my arms soon. Then this story of my pregnancy will be one that we tell to family members about how crazy it was in the beginning over dinner, while I keep one eye tracked on Jude as he gets into mischief under the table. Our son is healthy and showing all signs that he is ready soon to meet this world, and that's all that matters.


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