Faith

When I explain my relationship with God, or even my religion, I like to say that I am faithful. With my experiences, epiphanies, knowledge, and open ears, I have decided that no religion truly makes sense. Everyone of them has conflict, hypocrites, and hate. Although I do not think that God is without the faults of humans (He did create us, after all) I do not think that I can follow such religions. I call myself a Christian because I believe that a man named Jesus Christ gave himself to death for my sins, but my definition of sins differs from most people. I also have a very confusing view of the Bible, Heaven and Hell, and most of the politics. I don't know of one person who would agree with me completely, so I take all of that out of my relationship with God. I see him as my father, my protector, my light. I pray and I know that I will not always be answered, let alone get what I want. I do not know what is best. I have faith that he does, and any thing else, any doubts, confusion, and pain doesn't touch the faith.

Lately, I've been thinking that I know best. I've been frustrated and hurt by the pain and loneliness that I've felt. When I prayed, it was more of a begging for relief. I couldn't understand why God would make me wait, make me go through daily torture of extreme body pains and the postponing of seeing my husband, my partner in life. I could not see one damn reason for it, not when I've been so strong, not when my spirit was so finally broken. His answer of "No" was beginning to seem cruel more than anything, although I kept praying, kept trying to go into labor so I could end it. So I could be with my husband.

It's amazing the things that I did that did not make me go into labor. Walking and biking for miles. Jumping on the trampoline. Driving on very bumpy roads. With how close my doctor kept saying I was, with how much I was cramping and contracting, I had no idea why this wasn't happening. Even when I walked into my appointment today, she said, "What are you doing here?? I never thought you'd still be pregnant!"

With a smile, I was finally able to say, "Yes, but there is a reason."

I was never meant to go into labor without my husband here. He called 2 days ago to let me know that his superior was insisting that if he was going to take his paternity leave, that he had to take it now. He has training that he must be at in Aug and he had to either come home now or wait several weeks. In about 3 hours, he will start his 22 hour trip to come home to me. My doctor agreed, since starting Saturday I am 39 weeks along, to induce on Monday at 8 am.

Tomorrow I will be picking my husband up at 7 pm at the airport. He will see my stomach. He will feel Jude kick. He will be able to hug me and rub my back when I wake up in pain at night. He will be there to hand me my son when I go into labor, which at the latest will be Monday at 8 am. Here's the trick though! My doctor expects me to go into labor in a couple days. I have continued to dilate and am cramping constantly. My contractions are not regular, but they do happen all of the time. There is a very, very good chance that I will go into labor naturally with my husband here.

Which is, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, how it's supposed to be.

Keep the faith.